Why mummy gave up drinking

Two weekends ago, I had some guests over for dinner; a couple and their son, who is friends with Alfie, my 6-year-old. I decided to make a roast dinner followed by sticky toffee pudding. When my online shopping order arrived, I realised I’d forgotten to buy Demerara sugar. ‘Not to worry’, my partner said to me – he would happily trot off the supermarket whilst I prepared dinner. Excellent – he could also pick up a few other bits for me whilst he was there.

Now, at almost 42 years old, I’ve been in this position a hundred times. Giving a man a task because I’m ultra busy doing everything else. But what I don’t understand, is given all of my experience in this area, why I didn’t send him to the supermarket with photographs of the items I needed. Why did I decide to trust him, when everything in my gut, brain and personal history told me that he would inevitably fuck this up?

My partner returned from the supermarket with the items I’d requested – and a Demerara sugar substitute. Not a useful alternative type of similar brown sugar which I could have used – an actual packet labelled ‘substitute’. Not sugar. Just some other synthetic, chemical shite.

‘What is this?!’

‘Demerara sugar. That’s what you asked for isn’t it? It says so on the packet!’

‘Yeah. And what does it day underneath Demerara?’

‘Er…substitute. Can you not just substitute it then?’

FFS.

‘No, I can’t use a synthetic chemical substitute in the pudding.’

‘Why not?’

‘Because it tastes like shit!!’

So, after all that, I ended up trapsing out to the shop anyway. I’m still kind of annoyed about this almost two weeks later. Not at my partner – but at myself. I knew what the outcome would be. Give a man a list of five things to get at the supermarket and he will get three right, forget one and fuck one up entirely. It’s happened enough times over for the years for me to know the formula. It’s almost an exact science.

So why did I not send him armed with photographs, with my extensive knowledge of how men fuck things up? Because something in my head said ‘Oh just trust him for once. Don’t patronize the man. He might get it right anyway.’ Foolishness. Gut instincts are there for a bloody good reason.

This right here, is one of the many reasons I carried on drinking for twenty-five years. Every time I decided to take a break from alcohol that little voice in my head would come calling…

Maybe this time will be different

Maybe I can moderate.

Maybe I can control it.

Maybe, maybe maybe.

We all know how this goes. We can control it for a little while -but we always end up going back to where we were before. Always. Even when we know exactly how it will turn out, we choose to ignore that little voice and silence it with more alcohol. I’m not going to get into the massive topic of whether or not to try and moderate, save to say that I think it’s a futile and pointless quest, but whether or not to quit drinking for good is something that so many people ask themselves, and how do you actually go about making that decision?

These are my three deciders…

1. If every time you are about to drink you start to worry or give yourself rules, this is a sure sign that it’s become a big problem. Saying things like…

‘I’ll only have three drinks and then I will stop.’

‘I’ll drink water between each round.’

‘Do not let me text anyone later on.’ Etc Etc

Worrying about how much you will consume or your behaviour once you’ve been drinking means you don’t have control – because those rules are only relevant when you’re sober. The second you start to drink, all bets are off – because alcohol lowers your inhibitions and you stop giving a shit. Every time you drink, it’s quite simply a game of Russian Roulette.

2. You have anxiety and depression. Alcohol causes both of these issues in abundance. Having suffered with both I can tell you that alcohol makes them ten times worse. Quitting alcohol is a sure way to massively improve your mental health and living with anxiety and depression whilst continuing to drink is a surefire way of ensuring a miserable future.

3. You are frightened about how drinking is affecting your health. If you are drinking so much that you have concerns about how much damage you’ve already caused – you’re likely in the clutches of alcohol and need to stop. It’s as simple as that. If concerns around your health have not been enough of a deterrent to stop you from drinking already, it’s as good as sign as any that you should quit.

The chances are that if you’re a heavy drinker, you already know it’s causing you a wealth of problems. You already know that alcohol is ruining your life. You just need someone to categorically tell you that your problem is so bad, that you need to quit. I can’t tell you how bad your problem is – but I can tell you that if you have asked yourself the question ‘do I need to quit for good?’ – the answer is almost certainly ‘yes.’

If you were looking for a sign from the universe that you need to give up drinking, this is it. When you see the same situation playing out time and time again, you know the outcome won’t change – not unless you change the decision. And for this reason, I will never again send my partner to the shop without photographs.

Much love readers x

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