Why mummy gave up drinking

Day 200. If you read my last blog, you’ll be aware that I was very recently harbouring some intense anger towards a certain Italian man, and I ended my relationship with him without even hearing his side of the story. I refused to listen to him on the phone or to speak to him in person. I just decided he didn’t love me enough, so he had to go. Mmmmm….so why did I do that? Why did I leave someone who I have loved deeply for the whole of the past year, without even listening to what he had to say?

Without boring you with all the details, the Italian had some perfectly reasonable justifications and we got back together almost as quickly as we separated, luckily without too much damage – a onesie was binned in anger, along with some flip-flops and a house key – pretty tame in the grand scheme of things if you ask me. But he did read my blog. Ooops! If you’ve not seen it – there was an ending note telling the Italian to ‘go fuck himself’ if he was reading. Luckily, he sees the funny side – and is now keenly awaiting this follow-up for some well-deserved vindication.

I’ve been asking myself the same question over and over and I’ve come to the conclusion that my knee-jerk reaction (and refusal to listen) comes down to a very simple (and inherently flawed) rationale in my head. Push or be pushed. Leave him before he decides to walk away. Hurt him before he hurts you. I’ve got a lifetime to explore why it is I’m like this, but at best guess it’s an inbuilt fear of being abandoned. Of not being good enough. Of being left because I’m not perfect. Of not being loved. Yes, yes, I am well aware I probably need to drag by arse back to therapy, and it will need the equivalent of Freud to work out the shit that goes on in my head, and I’m sure you’re wondering what the hell all this has to do with deciding whether or not to aim for moderation or quit alcohol completely. It’s because I used alcohol to deal with all of these feelings before – and now, as much as it pains me, I have to face this crap and process it, you know, like an adult. It’s bloody exhausting!

What better or easier way is there to block out the negative self-chat, than to instantaneously numb those feelings, chase away the self-doubt and replace it with the drink-fuelled confident mentality of ‘fuck it! I don’t care anyway!’ I’ve lived my entire adult life this way. Feel like you’re not good enough? A glass of wine will help. Feel like you’re not smart enough, you’re not thin enough, not attractive enough, that you don’t earn enough, you’re not nice enough, you’re not liked enough, you’re not loved by enough people? A glass of wine (or several) will fix all these things. Temporarily.

Even as I write this, I know a glass of wine will pick me up from how I’m feeling at this very moment. My two boys have been with their dad for the school half-term, so I miss them terribly. I’m feeling under-the-weather in general, and I’ve got that sinking feeling about going back to work on Monday morning. I feel flat. Wine would certainly make me feel better right now – but I know that one will be the first of many, and a slippery slope back to an unhealthy, anxiety ridden, chaotic and ultimately miserable existence. There is no emotion made better by the presence of alcohol in the long-term – especially not for me – because much like my evidently black and white, all or nothing attitude to my relationships, I’m also unable to moderate alcohol. It’s all or nothing.

If you’re anything like me, I’m sure you’ve spent many hours trying to work out why it is that you can’t manage one glass at a time, when so many others can with relative ease. I spent several years caught in a vicious cycle. Drink. Do or say something stupid. Black out. Wake up at 3am with intense anxiety. Wake up again at 5am in full-on self-hatred mode. Stay awake until 6am and make multiple promises to myself that I’ll not drink that day. Spend all morning worrying about my physical health, the damage already done to my kidneys and liver and make more promises to myself that I’ll stop drinking. Wade through the morning like it’s treacle – feeling like utter shit and trying to hold it together to manage the school run, a full day of work, the school run again, laundry, preparing dinner, kid’s going mental……by 5pm – ‘Fuck it. I don’t care if I die. I need wine.’ And repeat. Sound familiar?

I knew for a long time. I knew in my heart that one day, I would have to quit for good. If I wanted to live a long life and be healthy, I had to stop completely. I tried to moderate enough times over the years to know that this just wasn’t an option for me. Whether or not to moderate seems to be a question many people ask themselves when they are questioning their relationship with alcohol.

So, what should you do? Could you moderate if it came to it? Could you be one of those people we problem drinkers all seem to aspire to be? If you follow my blogs, you’ll likely know my thoughts on this already, but for those of you who are reading for the first time, this is what I believe – if you drink in any measure, you’re not free.

I personally think – if you’re like me – if you’re an all or nothing, black and white thinker, you’re actually very lucky. The universe has done you a favour. Because alcohol is absolutely the one substance you want to think about in ‘all or nothing’ terms. Why is that? Quite simply, who wants to aspire to be someone who has the ability to moderate their use of the planets most addictive, destructive poison? I certainly don’t. I’ll take freedom thank you.

See the problem with moderators, the ‘Oh I only have a glass and then I can leave it’ people. The ‘I know when to stop’ people. The ‘I really don’t need it, I just like it,’ people. The problem with anyone who believes they have control, is that that they make anyone who can’t, feel like they’ve failed. Like they’ve fucked-up for not being able to stop after one glass. But it’s not true. In fact, its one of the biggest lies told my modern-day society – because if you drink anything at all – you don’t have control. It’s an illusion. You’re not free. You’re on the same slippery slope as every other person who suffers with addiction – one trauma, one bad experience, one disaster away from sliding to the bottom.

Let me explain. Once I do, you won’t be able to unlearn this, and hopefully you’ll forever look at moderators in a different way. You will no longer aspire to be one – you’ll pity them.

Let’s think for a minute about why people drink. Alcohol is designed to create a feeling, a sensation in your body. You do not drink it for the taste. You do not drink it because you’re thirsty. You do not use it to hydrate – it does quite the opposite. Ethanol tastes disgusting. Why? Because mother nature very cleverly equipped your body with the ability to assess what you ingest, to make sure it’s safe. If your taste buds like it – it’s probably good for you. Tastes horrendous – it’s probably going to do you some damage.

So, the producers of ALL types of alcohol have very cleverly masked the horrendous taste, by mixing it with some other beverage / juice / syrup to make it more palatable. Does it taste great? Really think about this. If you focus on the actual taste of wine – is it good? No!! We tolerate the taste because we like the effect. The weaker the alcoholic drink, the better the taste generally. Then we get to the likes of stronger alcohol like Tequilla – now do you think that’s a delightful refreshing tasty drink to quench your thirst on a hot summers day? I highly doubt it – judged by the fact it’s served in a shot glass so you can neck it as quickly as possible whilst trying not to vomit.

I think we can safely establish that no one drinks alcohol for the taste. So why do moderators have just one glass? For the exact same reason you have ten. To feel better. To numb the pain. To lessen the impact of life. They may be able to stop at one, but make no mistake, moderators use alcohol to ease the pain – same as you. They just happen to have an ‘off switch’, or simply less pain to kill – for now.

If you’re in early sobriety, have given up drinking completely, or have previously had a stint off the sauce, you will have inevitably encountered a conversation with a moderator. Ever notice that every single person who moderates their alcohol consumption will respond to you in exactly the same way? Tell a moderator that you don’t drink, and they’ll justify why they do. Why is that? Because they are addicts – EXACTLY the same as you.

Think about when you go to a bar or a friend’s house and a fellow drinker offers you an alcoholic drink. You politely decline and give one of many reasons why you don’t drink. My latest response is ‘because if I drink alcohol, I’ll get my beer goggles on, suddenly everyone looks attractive and I’ll be sucking your dick later….and I really don’t want to do that.’

Just joking. I normally just say I’ve quit because I have a bad relationship with alcohol. And then I wait for it. The inevitable reply from every drinker. Their excuse. Face any moderator with a sober person and they feel an overwhelming and compulsive need to tell you why they don’t have a problem.

Moderators will tell you in twenty different ways, why they drink alcohol or why it’s not a problem. Don’t believe me? Test it. It’s a strange phenomenon. The next time you politely decline a drink, wait for the reply. I find it usually goes something like…

‘Ah you see I have always been able to stop after one or two. I’m lucky.’

‘Oh, that’s a shame for you, I’ve never had a problem with alcohol. I can take it or leave it.’

‘Oh, I feel bad for you! I don’t drink during the week at all. I just drink on weekends.’

‘I don’t need to drink. I just like to every now and then socially.’

There are thousands of variations, but the sentiment is clear – drinkers feel the need to justify to themselves, and to you, that they are different. They could never be an addict. They would never be the person reaching for a glass in the morning. They’re immune. They don’t have a problem. The sad fact is, they do. Alcohol is an addictive substance. Drink frequently enough and it becomes a dependency. Human beings cannot protect themselves from this – drink enough, and you’ll eventually become dependent. Fact. Moderator or not. Remember, moderators drink for the same reasons as full-blown alcoholic, to take the edge off.

This might seem like a bold statement, but it’s important that you think about this. If you don’t need to drink, why would you do it, knowing that it can lead to the most horrendous of problems? When someone says they ‘like to drink socially’ what do they actually mean? They mean that at social occasions, everyone else will be drinking and they don’t want to feel left out. They mean that drinking will lower their inhibitions and make it easier to talk to people they don’t know. They mean that social occasions can cause anxiety – so they need to take the edge off. Moderators may be able to moderate, but they are on the same slippery slope as every other person who chooses to drink alcohol.

So what? What does is matter if someone can moderate and enjoys it? Why shouldn’t we want to be like them. Isn’t that the ideal place to be? There are two reasons. Firstly, moderators are not free. They’re a slave to alcohol the same as a problem drinker – just not as far along. Secondly, and most importantly, if you use alcohol to numb your feelings, to feel better in the moment or to soften the impact of life, you run a massive risk of rapidly spiralling out of control if you suffer a major life event or trauma. Why? Because if you use alcohol to quash feeling mildly uncomfortable, you’re sure as shit going to use alcohol to knock out feelings of despair, heartbreak or horror. If your coping mechanism for a stressful day is just one glass of wine, how will you react when there is a major stressful event? More wine. Much more wine.

Moderation keeps the monster alive. Next time you find yourself wishing you could have one glass, remind yourself that your black and white thinking is saving you. Your ‘all or nothing’ thinking puts you a cut above the moderators, not below. You’re not weaker because you can’t moderate – you’re stronger. Because when the shit hits the fan, you know how to deal with your emotions, moderators don’t – and no one knows how they will react when it does.

If you’re sober, test my theory for yourselves the next time you politely decline a drink – and when you get the moderator’s excuse, quietly congratulate yourself that you don’t need to justify anything to anyone. You’re free.

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