Why mummy gave up drinking

Day 99! I can’t believe I’ve almost hit the big 100! Like the title suggests, I’m going to walk you through the ten phases I’ve been through during the first three months of sobriety, starting from the moment I chose to quit. Of course, not all of you with go through the same ten phases; this list is very specific to my personal journey, however, I have noticed that many other people in my support groups have been through similar experiences. For those of you who have quit already, I hope some of this resonates and helps you to make sense of some of the crazier phases! For those of you in early sobriety, or are thinking of giving up, I hope this gives you some insight into both the hurdles and rewards you could be facing.

1. The withdrawal phase

I was not a physically dependent drinker so I must start by saying I’m not a doctor, and for those of you who are physically dependent, it is important to seek advice from your GP before you stop, as suddenly quitting can be dangerous and in some cases, even fatal. At the time of quitting, I was drinking one to two bottles of red every night, six nights a week; I thought having one day off each week was proof that I wasn’t an alcoholic. Of course, I was in denial – I just hadn’t reached the physically dependent stage yet. I wasn’t far off though. About a month before I gave up, I was on holiday so I had the perfect excused to legitimately drink in the morning – a line I wouldn’t ordinarily cross (aside from Christmas day of course). By 10am every day I was Mimosa in hand, and I was well aware that I really wanted that morning drink. I felt extraordinarily anxious until I got alcohol into my system. I knew giving up would be a challenge. The withdrawal symptoms for me were unpleasant, but not horrendous by any stretch. Sweating, anxiety, being unable to sit still, unable to sleep, and general restlessness. There was no physical pain. It was just uncomfortable. Rest assured this stage only lasts a few short days and then that first hurdle is done. From there on out, it’s all down to what’s going on in your head – and that is something that can be easily surmounted once you realise that you’re not giving anything up at all, on the contrary, you’re releasing yourself from a prison, a perpetual cycle of drinking, anxiety and self-hatred. Anyone can tolerate a few days of uncomfortable in exchange for a life of abundant joy.

2. The cookie phase

Ok. Not going lie. This isn’t so much a phase as it is a whole new addiction, but I figure it’s the lesser of two evils. I’ve always said I’ve never had a sweet tooth, but only two days into sobriety I began craving sugar like its crack cocaine; well having never tried crack I’m sure sugar is far easier to quit, but the cravings for me were like nothing I’ve ever experienced. I felt like I needed sugar as much as I needed air. In fact, I still have cravings three months down the line. My personal record was demolishing twenty-seven giant cookies as a snack – and I only stopped because I felt physically sick. Sugar cravings are common in early sobriety. Wine contains a shed load of the sweet stuff, so your body is wondering what the fuck happened to the constant sugar supply when you stop drinking. The good news is that the insatiable need for sugar does lessen (I’m down to four cookies a day) and the best bit is that I’ve not actually put on any weight because I’ve just substituted 1500 calories of wine a day for 1500 calories of cookies. Result! I wonder if this is why wine lovers often choose cheese and biscuits instead of dessert – it was certainly the case for me – wine drinkers already have their sugar fix in abundance, so the body reaches for the savory option. Interesting thought hey?! See how you go when you eat out for the first time and note any changes in your food preference. I’ve gone from a ‘starter and main course’ to ‘skip the starter, main course – must leave room for dessert!’

3. The Pink cloud –  hyped on Quit Lit phase

Before I stopped drinking, I read literature on sobriety, known in recovery circles as ‘Quit Lit.’ As I began the process of giving up alcohol, I began to devour as much literature that relates to sobriety as I could find, desperate to find the answer. If I read everything there was to read, maybe I’d have a better shot at staying sober. I Googled, ordered books from Amazon, watched movies relating to addiction, read blogs, registered with multiple Facebook groups, listened to podcasts and audiobooks and learned as many tips and tricks as I could ingest. I absolutely recommend this as a key step in achieving sobriety. Understanding what is happening in your body, that alcohol is nothing but a socially acceptable poison, that you’re trapped in a cycle that has control of the masses, and that even those at rock bottom can recover. Also look to those who are in a far worse position that you are – you’ll find many. Sign up to a sober app – look at the comments – particularly at every single post where someone has gone back to day zero, sometimes after years of sobriety. I have never read a single post from someone who was happy to be back at day zero. Not once have I heard someone say that they are happy they fell off the wagon. That should tell you all you need to know. I got so hyped on quit lit I felt invincible – by week two I was convinced I would never pick up a drink again. Beware this phase. This is known as ‘pink cloud.’ After consuming vast amounts of literature, we feel inspired and positive; for me it was almost elation. Inevitably, I crashed. As soon as elation was replaced by boredom, I once again felt the internal battle return. I began to romaticise alcohol again – with the passing of time you forget just how bad it got. Keep a journal. Write about exactly why you’re quitting and every time you feel yourself slipping – pick it up and read your own voice telling you why it’s a monumentally bad idea to drink again. However hard quitting feels – day zero will certainly be worse.

4. The Narcoleptic phase

I wasn’t expecting this phase. I’ve read a massive amount of sober literature but other than a few people making comments on Facebook I don’t recall reading about just how tiring it is to become sober. For the first two months I was absolutely fine but in month three the tiredness hit me like a tsunami. I am normally an early riser. I couldn’t drag myself out of bed. I never nap in the day. I started to take three-to-four-hour naps because I was like a nodding dog who couldn’t stay awake. I’ve never experienced exhaustion like it. It was worse than having a newborn. This phase lasted a while for me. Almost two months. After that time I decided I had to force my way through, as otherwise I’m not sure I would ever have gotten out of it. Motivation isn’t something that comes along – it’s what occurs after you decide to act, even when you really don’t want to. Motivation follows action. I absolutely am not saying to not rest at all, but if you start to dip into the realms of narcolepsy then you need to get out and do some exercise. I run. This saved me from the sofa. Fresh air, endorphins, improved mood, and sure enough, the motivation to do more followed. When I felt like napping, I left the house. Depriving myself of naps in the day also helped me sleep soundly at night. All the way through in a deep slumber – I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have woken up if my house was being burgled. Sleep is one of the best sobriety gifts. No more waking multiple times to go to the bathroom and neck water only to wake again at 3am and start replaying every stupid thing you ever said of did in your life. No more waking with self-hatred and fast waning promise that I would give up alcohol, only to hit 4pm and tell myself drinking wasn’t so bad after all and I’d probably be fine since everyone else was doing it. I’m free.

5. The boredom phase

For the first few weeks I felt intensely bored from 4pm every evening; right around the time I would ordinarily reach for the Pinot. Remember – your brain is just fried, and it doesn’t know how to produce dopamine anymore. Your brain has literally forgotten how to be happy. When you feel bored, remind yourself that this is nothing more than a chemical imbalance – it will pass after a couple of months. You need to start looking for activities you enjoy. Alcohol isn’t a cure for boredom. If you go to the pub all you do is sit, drink and talk – and it’s easier to start conversation with a little boozy lubrication – but the reality is that what you’re doing is just talking and socialising. Ever meet a friend for coffee in the day and enjoy it? It’s exactly the same thing. We just have FOMO as soon as we hit wine o’clock. Alcohol does not relieve boredom – activities do. What did you do before you started drinking? I’ve never been a sober adult so I had to go back to memories from when I was fourteen years old. I loved rock music, white knuckle thrills, dancing, being creative and cooking. I’ve immersed myself in all of these activities. I’ve taken up aerial silks classes – so much fun albeit I frequently end up hanging upside down and tied up more than a hostage victim – nonetheless, it’s still enjoyable and I’m sure I’ll improve. You have to learn to fall in love with your life again. It’s not going to happen overnight. You need to be patient. Slowly but surely, you’ll start to find pleasure in the simplest of things. For me, morning coffee, the smell of cakes baking in the oven, cold crisp clear blue mornings, the laughter of my children, the healthier figures in my bank account, sober sex – OMG – who knew how amazing this is (sorry dad)!! Finally, the peace and quiet of just being sat with my own thoughts. I didn’t think I’d ever be comfortable just sitting in my own company with nothing else going on. Now I love it. It turns out my brain isn’t a scary place and I’ve actually got a wicked imagination. Now I spend my ‘boring’ time looking to better my life and the life of my children. Remember – in early sobriety boredom is simply your inability to produce dopamine. When it fires up again you’ll know – wait for the orgasm! It’s coming!!

Stay tuned for phases 6-10 coming soon!

This post is dedicated to Kelly. Day 3. I’m so proud of you.

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