Why mummy gave up drinking

Day 80. When I first took the decision to quit drinking, I thought I was just giving up alcohol. I mean, I knew it would be tough, but I didn’t have any real concept of the life-changing journey I was about to embark upon. I knew the first few days would be challenging and I’d suffer with cravings. I thought nights out would become boring, friends would maybe stop inviting me out for any social activity involving wine and that this was the small but necessary price to pay in exchange for a longer, healthier life without the crippling anxiety and guilt that comes with regular alcohol consumption. Not easy at the beginning but you know, simple, I just needed to stop drinking, withdraw, and move on. How wrong and naïve I was. If you are in early sobriety or even yet to reach day one, I’d like to share the biggest lesson I’ve learned so far…giving up alcohol, is giving up life as you know it.

I haven’t just spent almost three months sober; I’ve also been simultaneously grieving for the life I once had and mentally, I’m exhausted. It’s feels very much like ending a very dangerous, toxic relationship – you know –  someone you’re in love with but terrified of, and who you know will kill you eventually if you stay. You know you need to leave, that your partner is bad for you, that staying will ensure a lifetime of anxiety, unhappiness and potentially your demise – but you stay for the longest time because you can’t face the alternative. Giving up everything to start again with someone new.

Ironically, I chose to give up alcohol not long after I left my husband of ten years. My God. The last time I was dating I was in my twenties and internet dating had only just started to become a ‘thing’. In fact, it was still seen as being a little creepy and weird. Fast forward one marriage and two children, I’m now thirty-nine and navigating the world as a single mother. The mere thought of dating again just made me feel utterly drained. Why the hell would I want another man? I just got rid of one!

Anyway, life moves on and before I knew it, I was dating again – only this time I was online. It didn’t take long to become an avid ‘swiper’ but it didn’t feel like ‘dating’, if felt like a full-time bloody job! I couldn’t believe the time it took to scroll, send and reply to messages. It was crazy to me that in a world where dating is so accessible, it was so difficult to connect and meet up with someone you would even consider as a possibility; and that’s before the panic that everyone you meet could be the next psychopath serial killer.

Fast forward a few months and I’m now dating a super-hot Italian with dark eyes, olive skin, an accent that sounds like treacle; so archetypal he calls me ‘Bella’ and ‘Amore’ at least five times an hour and gives me that sparkly teenage excitement whenever I’m about to see him. I’m happy – a state I never thought I would ever again find myself at the height of my divorce. So why am I banging on about my new relationship? Because I think this is exactly how sobriety is too; the brave decision to end a toxic relationship, heal and eventually fall in love with life again. It doesn’t happen overnight. It’s painful to begin with. It’s a long process. To give up alcohol is to watch your old life burn and then grieve for it. I’ve spent the last eighty days thinking about alcohol and my past behaviour pretty much constantly. I’ve learned that sobriety isn’t just about the absence of alcohol or drugs. It’s a decision to embrace a whole new existence.

The first month or so of sobriety was like a very slow walk through a long series of endless rooms to watch paint dry. It was fucking boring (as you may have read in my previous blog). I think the dopamine must have started to come back in the last couple of weeks as I’m starting to find enjoyment in simple things – not overwhelming happiness or elation, but pleasure. It also occurred to me that the word boredom is perhaps not a correct description of early sobriety – I’ve just never been an adult that deals with life without wine (save for pregnancy) and this is what it feels like when the brain stops producing dopamine. If you too feel like you’re bored in sobriety and you’ll never be happy again, I promise, you will. Remind yourself that your brain has forgotten how to produce happy hormones and it needs time. It does get better. My whole adult life I’ve learned not to feel or listen to difficult emotions and that Pinot is the answer to pretty much everything. News flash. I’ve just not actually learned how to be a grown-up.

I started drinking occasionally when I was fourteen. By fifteen I was using fake ID to hit nightclubs – to spend all of money from my Saturday job on eight tequila shots which I’d then neck, one after the other. I’d wait until the crippling acidic stomach pain had passed and then proceed straight to the fucked-out-of-my-head stage with my poor mum driving around in her pyjamas looking for me at 3am. By eighteen I was at university, with complete autonomy; free to smoke weed by day and get blasted on booze by night. I’ve used alcohol for my whole adult life, to celebrate, commiserate, relax, procrastinate, sooth anger and for good old ‘Dutch courage.’ I’ve simply never learned to process any emotion, good or bad, without using alcohol to take the edge off.

So – for the past few weeks I’ve started to learn how to be an adult. To be ok with the chaos in my own head, my thoughts and feelings – not trying to block them out or numb the ones I don’t like. I’ve spent a lot of time just reading and thinking, questioning, grieving, feeling sad, feeling bored, worrying that I’ll never have crazy funny nights with belly laughs again, that life won’t be as vibrant and exciting anymore….because the truth is that I have missed it. Wine. I have really missed wine – like the psycho ex-partner who you go back to because even though they’re bad for you, they know you, they’re familiar and there is a psychological safety in that. But as time moves on, as all relationships go, I’m thinking about my old life less and less.

I’ve started to actually enjoy the activities I was using to distract myself – like excessive baking (with the added benefit of simultaneously dealing with my monumental sugar cravings). I can see so clearly and I’m sharper than I’ve ever known – almost like I have my very own superpower. I feel present. Smarter.  I love waking up with a clear head after a solid night’s sleep – without having to get up to down a pint of water, pop some paracetamol and go to the bathroom yet again before trying to get back to sleep with heart palpitations that made me feel like I had my very own internal drummer. I love that I have more patience for my children. I don’t rush the bedtime routine so I can open more wine in peace. I play with them more. I don’t count down the minutes until wine time. I don’t feel the crazy exhilaration of a big night out – but I also don’t fear the consequences, because whilst I know I’ll have fun if I go out this weekend, I also know that because it’s fun, I’ll do it again. Weekends will turn into weekends plus special occasions. Tuesday will quickly become a special occasion – and before I know it, I’ll be back to where I was, totally messed up, ultra-anxious and scared I was going to die.

Alcohol can be a lot of fun at the time, but it’s the price you pay for it that just isn’t worth it. The sacrifices are massive. The danger is huge. Our health is at significant multiple risks of countless illnesses. Alcohol is no different to a high interest credit card – buy now, enjoy now, pay later….but with a lot of interest. Put simply, you stand to lose a lot more than you will ever gain.

Giving up alcohol when you still want to drink it makes you a ‘dry drunk’ apparently – this was definitely me for the first few weeks – still wishing and hoping that one day I would get to the stage where I’d be able to declare that I’m not an alcoholic because I could get to X amount of days sober and finally be able to moderate. Choosing sobriety is to change your whole life. If you are brave enough to end your toxic and dangerous relationship with alcohol, yes you will grieve, yes you will feel sad, yes you will miss the good times – but you need to let go of your old life to embrace your new one. Rest assured you ARE doing the right thing. I promise, in time, you’ll look back and wonder what the hell you were thinking, take a deep breath and look to your beautiful bright future ..… your own super-hot Italian is waiting.

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