Why mummy gave up drinking

Day 383. Well, here is a sentence I never thought I’d be writing. I’m single and 40. For those of you who are regular readers of my blogs – I left the Italian. There was no car-crash. I just realised I deserve so much more than I was getting. A realisation I wouldn’t have come to unless I was sober. I actually met the Italian when I was drinking. I’m pretty certain that if I had met him when I was sober, we wouldn’t have got beyond week two. The red flags were there. I chose to ignore them. So why did I stay after I quit drinking? Because I was already too invested. I loved him. And I was going through the single biggest transformation of my life in getting sober. I was scared to be alone.

I have been journalling for a long time and I look back to diary entries I made when we were only four months into the relationship. I was still drinking. It’s hard to read these now. Despite seeing the writing on the wall – I didn’t act on it. One of the entries reads as follows:

‘I’m not feeling it with the Italian. I’m seeing a lot of characteristic traits I don’t like. Red flags. He is lovely to me when he is with me, but for the rest of the time he is pretty absent. His entire focus is around what he wants for himself. He told me that his ex left him because she said he was selfish. I see this myself. I’m not a priority and I feel that. He talks about his future and tells me how I would fit into that. He has no interest in what I want. He is evidently terrified of commitment, and it leaks out in his language all the time. I love him, but my head is telling me to run.’

It took eighteen months of repeatedly writing the same thing for me to realise that nothing was ever going to change. I’ve never been in a relationship where I felt so alone most of the time. Not really because of the distance, but because I didn’t feel at all that he was invested or had any true want to be with me permanently. I had to ask for more contact (I’m ashamed to admit), and even when I explained how important this was to me, it fell on deaf ears. I was ‘good for now’ and filled a gap in his life. I was the escape from his daily grind – but I wasn’t ever really a part of it. I gave all of myself and got very little in return. I’m embarrassed to say this, but I simply handed my heart over and let him do what the hell he wanted with it.

I had a moment of realisation that who the Italian is, and who he thinks he is, are two very different people. Frankly, he is deluded and lives in dream world. One day recently, he started to talk to me about how he was concerned about my lack of concern for the environment. Now, I don’t ‘not care’ about the environment, but as focus and priorities go, my full-time job, business, raising two boys as a single mum and running my house leave me with little time for worrying about the state of the world right now. I’ve stopped reading the news because I simply can’t deal. The Italian told me he was, and I quote, ‘kind of an environmental activist,’ and he was concerned that I wasn’t. Mmmm. Let’s look at this shall we. You drive a petrol BMW all over London, the most polluted place in the UK, I don’t think you even have a recycle bin, you regularly take short flights and I’m pretty sure the last time the demonstrators were chained to the M25, you weren’t sat with them – you were complaining about the time it took you to drive back to London in your BMW. The single biggest thing anyone can do for the environment is apparently to stop eating meat, and not procreate. You love steak and you have three kids. Activist? In your head maybe.

The Italian was all talk, no action. He would tell me everything I wanted to hear, but his behaviour never supported the words. He was never there when I really needed him. Like an idiot, I allowed it. So, what have I learned and why the hell does this relate to a blog about alcohol? I’ve learned that I deserve so much more than I was getting. What I actually had, was a loose, part-time relationship where he could pick me up and put me down at his own disposal. I had affection and attention when we were together. Aside from that, I really got nothing else. I was basically single anyway. He didn’t want a future. He would repeatedly talk to me like I was a small child and say ‘you need to be patient.’ I’m not sure what he is waiting for. As far as I’m concerned, life is short, and when I’m with someone I love, I’m all in. I want to make the most of every day and share my life, because no one knows how long we have on this planet. I don’t want to wait around. I certainly see no point in being patient. The man I’m supposed to be with will feel the same.

Our relationship with alcohol is exactly the same. We know it’s toxic. We know that there is no happy ending. We can see the red flags. The warnings. We choose to ignore them because we are scared to start again. We accept that the relationship is terrible because we fear the change. We’re terrified of living without the crutch. Only when we actually break free do we really see things for how they are. Have you ever been so in love that when the relationship ended you felt broken, only to look back years later and be totally unable to fathom how you were ever so upset over that person? That’s what it’s like when you break up with alcohol.

When you’re in the relationship you just can’t see the damage. It’s only when you’re out of it that it becomes clear. When we drink, we feel ok at the time. When I was with the Italian, he made me feel good – at the time. When he left to go home, I would get that sinking feeling. Much like withdrawal. I knew that I would feel alone and anxious. Because he simply wasn’t the same person when he was apart from me. He was back to being an entirely selfish bachelor – only concerned about himself.

I went out to a bar last night with a dear friend. There was live music and it was a lovely atmosphere – until about midnight. All of the previously civilised humans had degraded into crazed drunken animals. Some idiot spilt a drink on my friend. A random Russian man offered to give me £2000 to take off dress. There were young men gunning for a fight. It was time to leave.

Knowing when it is time to go from anything toxic is so much easier to see when you’re sober. I for one, will not be making the same mistakes again. When I see red flags, I will act on them. I am finally in a position where I value myself and I know I’m deserving of someone who treats me beautifully. If I’m going to give all of myself to a man I love, it will only be when he deserves it, and it’s reciprocated.

As for the Italian. He will currently be banging his way through London to try and get some validation. He’ll be back online dating. He’ll be calling up his old ‘fuck buddies’ and hitting on anything that moves. He’ll date and end up in another 3-6 month relationship like all the ones he has been in before. Never lasting. Because he simply can’t and won’t commit. He would repeatedly tell me that I was ‘perfect’ and he couldn’t understand why I was with him. Yeah – I don’t understand either. If you find someone ‘perfect’ then you do everything you can to make them happy and to keep them with you. You fight for them. If perfect isn’t good enough, you’re doomed to a life alone. Good luck with that.

As for me, I’m not interested in dating right now. I have a life to live. When the right one comes along, it will be organically. I have a business to grow. I’m learning to play guitar. I’m writing my book and vow to have it completed and published by the end of next year. I’m going out with friends and doing all the things I love. Next week there will be an article in the London Metro about me and my business. I’m so incredibly proud of this and buzzing at the possibilities the future holds. I’m no longer thinking about settling down again – that dream is over. I’ve no idea what’s coming next. When I was drinking, change was terrifying. Now, it’s just exciting. What happens next? Fuck knows. But I’m going to be enjoying it.

You can also visit us at http://www.sobermama.co.uk to find out more about quitting with the 90-day Freedom Programme. You can also find us on Facebook at ‘Sober Mama’ using the QR code below. From there you can find our Facebook group ‘Sober Mama’ in the ‘about’ section, for useful tips and advice for getting and staying sober. Our group is a community of like-minded, incredible women who lift each other up and support each other. Join us!!