Why mummy gave up drinking

It’s been a long time since I’ve penned a blog. I’ve not fallen off the planet. I’ve been busy working on my book ‘Sober Mama’, which is set to be published in a year from now. I still can’t believe it. When I wrote the book, my plan had been to self-publish. I’ve always suffered with Imposter Syndrome and I certainly didn’t believe that my writing was good enough to secure a traditional deal with a publishing house. To get my work on actual bookshelves. It was actually my editor that suggested contacting publishers. I thought ‘What the hell. It’s very unlikely to come to anything but I’ve nothing to lose.’ I received multiple rejection letters from various literary agents. Each one was like taking a bullet. When I finally got the email from Summersdale (Hachette UK) to say that they were offering me a contract to publish my book, I almost fell off my chair. A few months on, it still doesn’t feel real.

I’m told by my new editor that once the book cover has been designed, it will all start to feel like it’s really happening. The cover is being designed as we speak, so in the not-too-distant future I will get a glimpse of what it will look like once it’s on the shelves. With my name on the front. I’m incredibly lucky and fortunate. I said as much to a good friend of mine,

‘You’re not bloody lucky you idiot! You write beautifully and you earned this. Own your success.’

Own my success. Mmmmm. When I come to think of it, this is something I’ve avoided my entire life. When I screw up, I own my failures with bells on. It’s easy to self-punish. To remain routed in feelings of shame and inadequacy. It so much easier to believe the bad things about ourselves. But the successes? They must be a fluke, right?

This is the nature of Imposter Syndrome. Walking through life and feeling like if you achieve anything good or of note, the universe has somehow done you a favour, you’re super lucky and it’s always tainted with the risk that the world could find out your dreaded secret – you’re not anywhere as good as they think you are. One day the mask will be lifted. You’ll be found out. Discovered for what you truly are. Useless.

I read that a far higher proportion of women suffer with Imposter Syndrome than men do – particularly high achieving women. Somewhere along the line we learned that to own our successes is to appear arrogant. It’s important to remain humble. But we’re not talking about arrogance. We’re talking about feeling good when you work hard and it amounts to something great. We should own our successes. We deserve to. So why don’t we?

I think that my Imposter Syndrome comes from a crazy belief that if I’m riding high, the rug will be swept out from under me. When you’re at rock bottom, the only way is up. When you’re on top of the world, the only way to go is crashing back down again. And this is one of the reasons I think of lot of people drink. When we consume alcohol, we spend a lot of time steeped in shame and misery. It feels horrible, but it can’t get much worse. Better the devil you know. You can’t fall off the floor. The only way is up.

We effectively become so comfortable feeling ‘less than,’ it’s easier to believe that we’re no good. We’re not worth it. The good stuff was meant for other people. The ones who are smart and capable. Focusing on our shortcomings and failures keeps us in a place of shame. And shame is a huge trigger for drinking. It’s an awful feeling that we all love to turn off as quickly as possible. And booze does the drink – temporarily of course. Until three AM when the self-hatred comes calling again, accompanied by deep-rooted feelings of humiliation. And more alcohol is needed to deal with these increasing levels of indignity.

So how do we overcome our fears and own our successes? I truly believe that getting sober is the start of the route to achieving this. Because becoming sober is, on its own, a huge success to be immensely proud of. When we’re sober, we can see clearly. The internal self-hating monologue starts to ebb away as sober days bring peace and joy. When we stop hating on ourselves and learn to just be and sit with our emotions, its far easier to embrace both the good and bad. To feel pride and self-worth again. Alcohol is only there to kick you when you’re down.

Physical alcohol withdrawal lasts about ten days. So, if you drink more than once every ten days, you’re in perpetual withdrawal. And withdrawal feels exactly the same as anxiety. Just two weeks off booze and your anxiety levels will plummet. It takes around three months for the body to work it’s way back to normal and there are lots of crazy symptoms to navigate – but it really is downhill after those two weeks when the poison is removed from your body and it begins to start healing. The soul-crushing lows disappear. Two weeks sober is the start of a life where you can begin to own your successes. And enjoy them.

When my book cover design is sent to me, I’m going to make a concerted effort to smile, jump around the room and fist punch the air. Because I wrote it. Because this is something to be proud of. Because the book wouldn’t exist if I wasn’t sober and spending my life helping other people to be. For the first time in my life I’m beginning to ride high without worrying about the next low. Of course, they will come. That’s life. But the highs will always follow. And that’s where my focus is. I’m not scared about falling now I’m sober. I’m excited about learning to fly.

Much love readers. x

You can also visit us at http://www.sobermama.co.uk to find out more about quitting with the 90-day Freedom Programme. You can also find us on Facebook at ‘Sober Mama’ using the QR code below. From there you can find our Facebook group ‘Sober Mama’ in the ‘about’ section, for useful tips and advice for getting and staying sober. Our group is a community of like-minded, incredible women who lift each other up and support each other. Join us!!