Why mummy gave up drinking

Day 25. And just like that, I fell from my lovely fluffy pink cloud, plummeted towards the earth and landed with an almighty thud. I felt wonderful only a few days ago…but now I feel utterly bored and miserable. I’d not heard of ‘Pink Cloud’ before I quit drinking. Someone mentioned it on a Facebook group and I had to ‘Google’ it. ‘Pink Cloud’ describes the stage in early sobriety where recovering addicts develop feelings of euphoria and elation; because of newfound excitement about the benefits of recovery and recently acquired elevated confidence in their ability to maintain abstinence. Read my last blog – you’ll get the idea!

So there I was, happily sitting on my pink cloud, staring peacefully and serenely out into the beautiful sky; hopeful and self-assured about my permanently sober future. Until last weekend. What happened to cause such a massive fall from my cloud and bubble of happiness? Boredom. Boredom happened. I am so fucking bored I could pull my own teeth out just for something to do. Time is a commodity I have complained about as being elusive and lacking, ever since the day I had children. Where does the time go?! There aren’t enough hours in the day. How the hell am I supposed to fit a full-time job into my day as well as being a mum and running a house?!

Turns out I’ve got so much time on my hands now that I don’t know what to do with it. Bags of it. A very surprising and unexpected result of quitting drinking. The mornings are longer for a start, because I wake up earlier, spritely and in a good mood. I love those first few seconds after I wake up when I remember “Ah…I didn’t drink last night….and I slept nine solid hours!” It’s safe to say I’ve become a ‘morning person.’ I find the mornings easy to cope with – largely because I feel much better physically and I’ve never had the desire to drink in the morning, save for airports, holidays and Christmas (obviously!). Getting through the early afternoon is easy too. Work is busy, my mind is kept occupied, and my hands are always full.

The mental itch starts when I get back from the school run, right around the time I would normally be pouring my first glass of Pinot or Merlot. I wouldn’t say I’m hankering for it; but I’m certainly very aware of its absence. Still, I carry on with the daily grind, cook dinner, supervise homework, read stories, and put my boys to bed. I walk downstairs and suddenly I’m alone. Everywhere is quiet. Right there. That is the point I really start to struggle. Not because I’m desperate for a drink per se, but because that’s when the boredom starts to set in. From 7.30pm until I go to sleep, I am twiddling my thumbs, clock-watching and re-playing mental rose-tinted memories of drunken, wild, fun nights out with friends. The kind of nights where the next morning you declare ‘that was the best weekend ever!” And all of a sudden, I feel so intensely sad. Like I’m grieving. I look into the future and at the prospect of forever being sober and I just can’t imagine it. Forever without wine. It sounds painful, boring and downright bloody miserable. From 7.30 to 11pm, every night, I am bored. I’ve gained 3.5 hours every evening and I’ve no idea what to do with it.

So, what is it about drinking wine that is so exciting? What is so good about alcohol that I’m now bored to tears without it and why do I look back with such fondness that I’m struggling to remember why I quit in the first place? Was my issue with wine really that bad? Most of my friends drink the same amount as I do. It wasn’t as if I was physically dependent. Maybe I was too hasty in saying I’m going to quit forever. Perhaps I just needed a break, to feel healthier and reset. Maybe I could moderate, you know, now I know that I can go 25 days without alcohol. If my intake creeps back up, I can just quit again – so no harm done!

Sound familiar?

The thing is, I’ve spent 20 years trying to moderate to know in my heart that it can’t be done. I will always go back to drinking a skinful every day – because I’m addicted to it and I need wine to numb the intense anxiety that comes from, you know, the wine. Whenever my evil twin (the voice in my head who takes over my body once I’ve had a drink) starts to whisper to me about the prospect of an amazing life drinking wine in moderation, I like to remind myself of ‘dry January’. If alcohol was so good, why the world over do we try and give up for January? Why do so many of us talk about needing to ‘cut down.’ If wine was the wonderful, rose-tinted, fantastic, life enhancing, fun-filled vision in my head, why do so many people want to quit? Why did I want to quit?

Two things really help me when I romanticise about popping a cork and listening to that ‘glug glug glug’ sound as I pour my first glass of the day. Firstly, I play it forward. This works a treat. I think about why I quit and what will happen if I succumb to that one glass of wine. One glass will inevitably turn into the bottle (at least). I’ll waste the evening scrolling through my phone, I’ll call my boyfriend with no recollection of having done so and wake-up around 1am having blacked-out on the sofa, three episodes into a Netflix series I don’t recall starting. I’ll crawl upstairs with a stiff neck, not bother to take my makeup off and crash out in bed. I’ll wake up at least twice to go to the bathroom. I’ll wake up a couple more times with extraordinary thirst, with the beginnings of a headache and I’ll glug large mouthfuls of water. I’ll drift back off into a hazy sleep and wake up suddenly, with an uncomfortable panic induced jolt at 3am, accompanied by some intense anxiety for good measure. A few seconds later I’ll remember that I caved, I drank wine, I have no idea what I said to my boyfriend and I’ll feel so much self-loathing, guilt and fear for my heath that I won’t be able to get back to sleep. My sons will run in at 6am and I’ll be awake but trying desperately to get back to sleep, tired, groggy, guilty and grumpy – not yet ready to drag my way through the day….by 4pm after a full day at work plus the school runs, I’ll be so knackered and stressed that I’ll need a glass of wine – you know, just to take the edge off. And so it starts again.

Secondly, I’ve never once seen a blog or social media post where someone broke their sober streak and congratulated themselves for being back at day zero. Read comments from people on day zero -without exception, everyone who ends up back there feels self-loathing and disappointment. Self-induced upset that their hard work in building up precious days, months and even years of sobriety was wiped out so easily with one drink – and just like that – back to day zero. I’ve never heard someone who got back onto alcohol saying ‘I had a year of sobriety but now I’m so happy I’m drinking again every day! You should all give up quitting now! I don’t know why I ever thought to give it up! Life as an addict is so much fun!’

I’ve been really thinking about what it means to feel bored. I recently watched the Amy Winehouse documentary and there is one part that keeps playing on my mind where after winning a Grammy, Amy turned to her friend and said “Jules this is so boring without drugs.” I understand this now. I understand that when you are newly sober, everything can feel so completely and utterly boring.

When our brains are addicted to being ‘high’, the middle ground is hard to tolerate – because it feels boring by comparison. I’ve come to notice that more often than not, addicts are highly intelligent, incredibly successful people and consequently in need of huge amounts of mental stimulation. Over-thinking and self-criticising are common and operating at optimum level under pressure is both mentally and physically exhausting. Alcohol can quickly induce calm and relaxation and give us the rush we need to get that ‘high’ – a lovely big shot of Dopamine. With alcohol off limits, our brains haven’t yet worked out how to produce Dopamine at normal levels. It can take many months for this balance to level out and go back to how it was before we started drinking. What does this feel like in the meantime – tedious, monotonous, bullshit. That’s what.

In my pink cloud phase I was able to overlook the sheer hard work it takes to maintain sobriety. There is a good reason many people in recovery say ‘one day at a time.’ Changes in circumstances can happen in an in instant, rattle our emotional state and catapult us back into the danger zone. It’s so easy to have one glass of wine and give everything up – and it’s so tough to refuse that one glass of wine to keep everything else, namely, our lives in balance and stability due to sobriety.

I had to laugh – when my eldest, who is 7, sidled up to me on Sunday with a forlorn look on his face saying ‘mummy what can I do today? I’m sooooooo bored!’ Without even thinking I replied with my usual response – “How can you possibly be bored? You have a house full of toys – go and choose a game. Use your imagination!” The second the words left my mouth I felt the guilt for my blatant hypocrisy. I laughed because I’ve been whining to anyone who will listen about how bored I am and here I am dismissing my son, because in this modern world where there is so much to do, how could he possibly be bored? Indeed. So how I am I dealing with my boredom?

Ok. First things first. I’m starting to appreciate this for what it is. Quite simply, my brain isn’t making Dopamine anymore because it’s forgotten how to. In order to give this a kick-start I need to start doing things that will make me happy. I need to work out what will make me happy because for 20 years I’ve relied on alcohol induced Dopamine rather than actually finding something interesting and fun to do that would produce the same chemical naturally. I once had a therapist who explained to me that human beings get happiness from two things – the simple enjoyment of doing something we love and achievement.

I can’t help you find the things you love, but that’s the wonderful part of the journey you get to work out for yourself. What I can help with however, is the enjoyment you can get from achievement, because I have a very simple trick for this. Start doing something. Anything. I’ll give you one to start with, because it’s the most important for me – before you do anything else at the beginning of the day, make your bed. Such a simple act but there is so much this does for us mentally. It’s a short task so we know we can concentrate for a couple of minutes and it doesn’t feel insurmountable. I think there is nothing quite so depressing as getting into an unmade bed. There is something delightful about a room with a freshly made bed and this really helps to set your intention for the day – and before you’ve even left the bedroom you’ve already achieved one thing. What else can you do that will take 2 minutes? If you can make your bed then surely you could handle another small task? Motivation isn’t an emotion, it’s a skill – put simply, motivation is created by being bored and doing it anyway. Once you achieve something, even one small thing, this becomes motivating. Don’t wait to feel motivated – it will never come. Motivation comes after action. Not before.

Secondly, we drink to numb all of our emotional states but what we forget, is that we have different emotional states because it’s our mind’s way of telling us that there is something we need to pay attention to. If we feel angry – it’s because we feel we’ve been wronged. If we feel guilty it’s because we feel we have done something wrong. So why do we feel bored? My interpretation is that the feeling itself isn’t negative – it’s my mind telling me I’m capable of so much more; because what I’m doing right now isn’t satisfying or fulfilling my emotional needs in order to make me feel happy. Ordinarily I drink wine and this numbs any sensation of unfulfillment, but now, my brain is alerting me to the fact that I have 3.5 hours every evening with absolutely no plans to fill that time. My brain realises I’m wasting myself. Wasting my life. I’m going to spend the next week working out all the things I could do with my time, whether it’s to achieve or simply enjoy.

Finally, please let this thought sit with you – drinking alcohol was not exciting. It just blocked out every evening of boredom, made you feel like shit and wasted your potential. Why not join me this week and see if you can work out some of the wonderful ways you could fill your time. Your brain is recognising your untapped potential – now you just have to give it some direction. Who knows where it will take you? That boredom sounds like it could be potentially very exciting to me.

If you come up with any weird and wonderful ways to fill your time I’d love to hear from you in the comments section. I’m sure other readers would appreciate the inspiration too!

Until next time fellow sober superstars.

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